This is a letter I sent to the South Florida FBI:
Dear South Florida FBI field agents and other crime fighters, Specifically, the agents in the West Palm Beach field office of the FBI. I wanted to take this time to congratulate you. Somehow, you have landed your careers in sunny South Florida on a sweet gig that allows you sun and fun – except like a bad version of Miami Vice where you drive a blacked-out Toyota Corolla and don’t catch any of the bad guys. The citizens of your particular jurisdiction are taking note, though. Your work still remains veiled in secrecy, so I think we should find a producer in Hollywood to make a bad serial where dimwitted FBI agents don’t actually solve any cases. I will take a moment to write the plot lines for you:
Episode 1: Series premiere
In the Series Premiere, Crack FBI agents Ellen Thomas and Stuart Robinson are fresh in the office, going through the tips that came in over the night
One tip catches their eyes: the local Sheriff, Ric Bradshaw and his evil crony Chief Deputy Michael Gauger reported their feelings being hurt. A local website has been posting documents detailing theft, severe mismanagement of taxpayer money and blatant criminal activities committed by the top brass. To make nice with the Sheriff and stay on his good side, they use the power and might of the US Federal Government to investigate the website-owning troublemaker (John Doe) bringing this activity to light. Because, you never know when the local Sheriff is going to look the other way when the SAC’s wife is caught up in a steroid sting operation or you need him to hire your kid to be a peace officer…
After John Doe, a former law-enforcement officer, comes to the West Palm Beach FBI office with audio evidence the local Sheriff has been illegally hacking to find the whistleblowers, they have to act fast! After they make up lies to obtain a warrant (and have the local State authorities to make up lies to obtain warrants for things your own federal judge would not grant) they raid John’s home and instigate a huge surveillance team to keep eyes on him until they can find a reason to arrest him. Any reason!
Perhaps he said the sky was blue when it was overcast and grey outside? Got him on lying to an FBI agent. Great! Yes, the FBI can bury anyone in petty charges and put them in jail, so the job is easy. But what’s this??? A pesky credible tip about a terrorist named Omar Mateen buying guns and body armor threatens to derail their carefully-crafted operation!
Our two heroes combat the new threat in spectacular South Florida FBI fashion.
“We don’t have the time or manpower for that Omar Mateen guy,” says Special Agent Ellen Thomas.
“I agree,” Agent Robinson chimes in. “We have got to get this John guy off the streets before he shows the citizens else how dirty their own local Sheriff’s office is.”
Just a few days after the raid, Investigative Journalist writes an op-ed about the South Florida FBI wasting resources investigating John. But that doesn’t stop our heroes from focusing all their attention on him. Except John escapes from right under their sleepy noses to Russia where he obtained Political Asylum.
While they were searching the cold trail for John, their spectacular failure results in Omar Mateen shooting and killing over 50 people, wounding dozens more at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida. With the public demanding answers, the SAC responds, “Sorry, but we didn’t have the manpower.”
In this final scene, Special Agent Ellen Thomas enters the West Palm FBI field office – carrying a drink crate filled with glasses decorated by pretty little umbrellas. “Well done, fellow agents!” she exclaims while passing out the sweet, white Pina Coladas and an extra shot of Bacardi’s 151.
“What the hell is this?” exclaims a stunned Special Agent in Charge, “Let’s rendezvous at the beach and drink these bad boys in style.”
The other agents dutifully stand up, take off their ties and rip off their stipper-inspired uniforms to reveal the true uniform of the day – speedoes and bikinis. As they walk out of the office doing tequila shots before jumping into their cars, the tip line rings. They all pause for a moment and look at each other before laughing and walking out the door.
Episode 2: A Terrorist on the Loose!
This is a prequel to the first episode. John, the former law enforcement officer from above, contacts the West Palm Beach FBI office about a young Muslim male on his facebook page becoming radicalized. The fact this young man had grown a long beard and writing things like, “Allah is coming to judge the white infidels…” was of vital concern to the West Palm Beach FBI agents.
Almost one year later, crack WPB field office FBI agent Robert McQuire contacts John to begin an investigation. “Can you send me the other posts?” Agent McQuire asks John.
John sends him several other concerning posts talking about jihad and infidels.
Agent McQuire rallies the agents for a hard-hitting investigation into a possible terrorist suspect! Just kidding. Agent McQuire calls John back and asks him to have coffee with the young potential terrorist to talk about his feelings.
Once again, the West Palm Beach FBI office is far too busy patrolling the beach to bother with a radicalized Muslim dude talking about jihad on infidels.
The FBI solves the case by looking the other way. “That was incredible work,” the Special Agent in Charge tells FBI Special Agent Robert McQuire. “I am putting you up for our highest award.”
“Thank you, Sir,” responds Agent McQuire. “I worked hard to ignore the possible threat and have the citizens do our investigation for us.”
Episode 3: Oh No! Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School is in Danger!
The West Palm Beach field office of the FBI gets a tip about a school shooter.
A man comes running into the office. “We got a few hot tips about a kid living in Lantana, planning to shoot up his school!” exclaims an excited new agent who got the tip.
“Calm down,” says Agent Thomas. “We have more important things to worry about than a school shooting.”
“Like what?” asks the new agent.
With the confident yet far-off gaze of a seasoned agent who has seen what the job truly means, Agent Thomas solemnly replies, “We have to load up the trunk for the office’s beach picnic. Maybe, just maybe, we can investigate later, if we don’t get too drunk on booze, fresh air and sunshine.”
The agents proceed to their beach party. Agent Robert McQuire steps in some beach tar while the other agents frolic in the surf. He starts crying, pleading for Agent Thomas to let him use some of her nail-polish remover. Agent Thomas laughs and says, “Nail polish remover? If you haven’t noticed, I don’t take any time for my appearance at all, you silly agent!”
Agent Stuart Robinson begins screaming, flailing about in water! “Oh my god!” cried Agent Thomas, “Is he being attacked by a shark?
The Special Agent in Charge eyes the water suspiciously, head cocked to the side in deep thought as to what the threat could possibly be. “I don’t think so,” he says. “Sharks usually need more than six inches of water to swim.”
The SAC runs over to Agent Robinson, takes him by the arm and stops him from drowning in the ankle-deep water. “Oh my god!” he shouts to the others, “It’s a jelly fish! Quick, get over here and piss on his leg to stop the stinging!”
The others run over and urinate on his leg. Agent Robinson, with a content look on his face, sighs, “If I knew it were that easy to get a golden shower from my co-workers, I would have been stung long ago.”
The other agents looked surprised by Hero agent Ellen Thomas going the extra mile in her job – not simply by urinating on Agent Robinson, but by leaving a steamy dump. It smelled like rotten cabbage, but hey, that’s the price the citizens of the West Palm Beach must pay for greatness.
FBI agent Ellen Thomas is given a medal for her bravery. The artistic flair of this particular episode is where the viewer of this program is left wondering what in the hell going to the beach has to do with someone making terroristic threats to shoot up a school. The answer, of course, is absolutely nothing, which is exactly what these brave agents did to stop the threat that left 17 people dead and many more wounded.
The episode ends with four Broward County Sheriff’s Deputies and Broward Sheriff’s captain Jan Jordan sitting with the agents on the beach when the call of a shooting comes over the radio. “Give me a perimeter but don’t do anything until I get there,” says Jordan.
Jordan pouts as she puts her uniform over her one-piece and slowly trudges to her car. She tries starting her green and white crime-fighting vehicle, only delaying her more. “17 Sierra 1 to dispatch!” she cried into the radio. “My car won’t start again!”
You could hear a pin drop on the radio before the dispatcher says “17 Sierra 1, you have to blow into your ignition interlock device! You have to blow into the ignition interlock device!”
The episode ends as Captain Jordan manages to start her car, driving casually out of view. The FBI agents stand on the beach, drinks in hand, waving farewell to the good captain.
The simple fact is, anyone in the West Palm Beach field office of the FBI should be fired immediately; it’s not one mass shooting you’ve missed where you had credible intel… it’s two. You were too busy engaging in political vendettas against those exercising their right to free speech that you simply forgot why the people pay you in the first place.